School is over
I feel so realieved that I have successfully completed another semester of school. I have no idea how many more I have before I can graduate. Probably 3 more. I hope.
I got A's and B's. I am really proud of myself. My GPA is slowly creeping up.
The sucky thing for me is a lot of people I went to high school with are graduating from college and I feel that I have not accomplished anything with my life. Everyone keeps asking if I am graduating and when I say know they ask when I will. I know they do not mean to but it really rubs it in my face that I am taking forever to get through school. Even though I keep saying everything is fine and that I do not mind taking my time to get a degree, I really do. I feel that I am failing as a person. I feel so unintellegent. I feel stupid.
I am having so many problems. I feel like I have lost who I am. What I want to become and who I deserve to be. I am so much better than this. A year ago I would have laughed if you told me this is where I am today. I would have kicked my own ass. I feel very pathetic.
I am just so frustrated.

Everyday I feel like giving up and I hate myself for it

My Friday nights are spent doing musi related things.
Rehearsals.
Practicing.
Shows.
Tonight it was loading the truck at one of the schools I teach at for their show tomorrow.
I love my job.
I love music.
Sometimes though, I just want a break. I need to sleep I need to breath. I do not relax enough. I'm teanse all the time. I get winded walking up stairs. I'm severely out of shape and my muscles are underworked. I no longer have the energy I used to have.

I just want to breath with out having to worry about every little detail of my life. I'm just a shadow of the person I used to be.
I'm embarrassed of myself now.
I want my passion back
I want my chops back


I want to be happy again

My passion is being worn away because someone else's out of control.

Last final of fall 2012 is in one hour
I cannot wait to be done and escape

Going to Disneyland to celebrate my freedom

Finals are next week
6 days until my first final
7 days until my jury
9 days until its all over

Before then I have part one of my piano final, part one of my aural skills final, and a huge essay due Friday. Not to mention a concert and a rehearsal.


I'm in the home stretch. I can do it

My life is hectic as it normally is.
I barely sleep, or eat, or breath.
School dominates every second. If I am not in class I am studying for class, if I am not studying, I am worrying about studying. The only free moments I have are filled with work or home work. I will barely make enough to cover all my costs, and that stresses me out. I'll be paying rent and bills on top of food and gas. I am not sure how it will all play out, I am terrified each night about the next days work.
I don't practice nearly enough.
I have put an ounce into my Pulse audition which is coming up in little over a week. I spend most of my time preping for aural skills or my percussion ensemble which I don't particularly enjoy. I just aged out yet I feel like a child, I feel clueless to music. I feel as though everything I have been working hard to achieve is invalid at state, there is no technique, there is no sound quality, there is not form. Everyone just plays. I am constantly being told I am playing wrong, and that my touch needs more tenuto...which confuses me because I was taught tenuto is an accent marking, so I should play with more accent? I am constantly told I play on nodes, and I play to loud, that I have not upstroke. Which again confuses me because if I didn't have an upstroke the mallets would never leave the board....
The other percussionists in the studio are cold and hardly talk to me, I have 3 friends. I marched SDSU winter with one of them, the other two I know through teaching. If it were not for those three I would be miserable. At least I have some one to talk to when the time comes. I say hi to them and they just look back at me and hardly respond. I know that I am new, but I am not a freshman, I am 21. I am an adults who has been in college for four years, yes four long painful years. Its frustrating.
I don't necessarily need to be accepted, but I would like to be treated as an equal, as a peer, not some sum on their shoes.
I know that I have a lot to learn still, and as I have said in the past, I am more a musician than a percussionist. I excel in mallet percussion, but I am weak in everything else. I am willing to learn, and improve...it just seems that no one is willing to give me that opportunity...

It has been quite a long time since I have written anything, on any of my outlets.
There is so much to say and unfortunately things will get left out, things always slip through the crack and are forgotten until some strange point in the future where you are reminded of it, and at that point, who is left to tell?

Three months away.
Tour is an incredible journey, I think everyone needs to take it, any musician capable needs to, NEEDS TO. There are so many lessons to be learned, so many little things that cannot be explained and only those who experienced it themselves are able to understand. Everyones experience is different. I would say mine was fair to good, I was miserable sometimes, and there were other times that I was the happiest I have ever been as an adult. I miss it daily, it is nice to get into the routine.
Wake up.
Eat.
Play.
Eat.
Play.
Eat.
Sleep.
It is that simple, how can you go wrong with that? You are fed and you get to play for 16 hours a day! It's any musicians dream. Yes, the food isn't always that great, yes you're sleeping on a bus or a gym floor with 150 other stinky, smelly, sticky people, and yes, YES, it IS worth it. Every painful moment was worth it. Every bruise, blister, tear, drop of blood, ounce of sweat, every single day....was worth it. You are tested daily, and you either pass or fail, but either way, you get up the next day and do it again. People get on your nerves, people slack off, people make you laugh, make you cry, make you question why you choose to do this, and make you grateful you did, but every single day is worth it. You become a family, an allegiance, a team and an army at what you do. Everyone knows everyone else's tendencies, you can tell when people are cranky, and tried, and whiney, and sick, and sad, you know when they are happy, or upset or about to laugh or cry, you know everything and sometimes you know more than you wanted to. These people are ingrained into you like siblings, family forced upon each other in the most unusual way. You came out, auditioned and got a spot and instantly were supposed to get along with 150 people from all different backgrounds and habits, and it is supposed to work out instantly. Of course it doesn't there is alway that one person who is on your nerve and you cant find a way to get along with them, but by the end, you develop a mutual respect for them, and even if you cannot stand to be around them or tolerate them, you love them just the same, and know that you wouldn't be where you are today without them. IT IS WORTH IT. Every second is worth it.
From the moment I stepped off the plane in Arizona I had know idea what I had gotten myself into, I was terrified, scared of the heat, of the sunburns which I knew would come, of missing those that I love, of being forced to live with people who I had spoken to once, and living in a strangers home. All these things flashed around in my mind as I drove to the rehearsal site for the first time, to the Tempe Sports Complex. Little did I know that it was going to be my home for the next month, every morning at 8am I would be there, and I wouldn't leave until 11pm that night, drive 30 minutes to my housing site, and wait an hour to shower. It doesn't seem so bad now, I might actually miss it. Once we got on the road things were not much different, but at 8, rehearsing at 9, show in the evening, then pile back onto the bus to drive for who knows how long to the next state, yes state. The country seems so small now, I would wake up in New Mexico, fall asleep on the bus and then wake up again in Colorado, how strange it is to me, that I traveled so far, and in a blink I am back home, back in California. It was only 3 months, and now I will never be able to do it again, not as a member, not playing, not experiencing the whole thing first hand. I can trail along or teach, but it will not be the same, the thrill will be different. I had a perfect show, just one, and it is so strange to me because I never thought it would be possible for me to have one. To me, it is only something that happens to the best players, players who achieve near perfection almost every rep, yet it happened to me. It was like I was watching myself from above in slow motion and controlling everything, I was never able to replicate that feeling again, although I came close and had some very very good performances. I felt like I belonged in the ensemble. The show and the uniform and the ties felt like they were made just for me. I was able to perform without being told to back off. I was able to feel it that way I wanted to feel it, and people told me I looked scary or I looked happy, I love performing, and being told you are doing it well is such a gift, I feel so touched to have been in the ensemble. The season didn't end as most people had hoped, but I feel good knowing that I was part of an ensemble that will set the corps on a course of success for the future.
I got better as a player, and that is what I wanted to accomplish. Everyone works so hard in this activity, you do not need to be in the best groups to achieve greatness, everyone has a different level of greatness that they need to achieve, on their own, with out standards. Every member of every corps became the best at what he or she did. They achieved a new standard for themselves, and pushed themselves to the limits of what they thought were possible. I became the best I have ever been, and that to me is worth everything. That to me is winning. To me that is the greatest thing that could come out of this summer. I became something I never thought possible, and I put every ounce of my being into one show, into one part, into one season, I am a better person. The effort is the price. The passion is the ring. The journey is the greatest thing anyone could have.
It is all worth it.